Letter From A Dog
Recently someone accused Ed of "setting the dogs" loose on him. Well, to the best of my knowledge, Ed doesn't have any dogs. However, I myself am a pretty fair bloodhound, and it's probably time I warned those who would trespass just what they are in for.
I can smell a Sanctimonious Religious Nut (SRN) from here to the freeway. Every time one of you quivering, shivering, afraid-of-your-own-shadow slaves of Jesus come wandering around on my side of the river I can smell you coming. And it has a profound effect on me.
When I smell a SRN, first I start to tremble. Then I have to bark. (I can't help it, it just boils up out of me.) I have to bark, and howl, and strain at my leash. I lunge against the choker that holds me back, and now I'm slobbering with a desire to sink my fangs into his leg.
Then he starts talking about bitterness, about getting over it. About forgiveness. That's when I really start to bark and howl. Now he's patting himself on the back, quoting scripture, wallowing in his own righteousness.
That's when I slip the leash. He turns, stumbles, and tries to run. But he's slow, sooooo slow! He's mine. I can smell his fear, taste his sweat! He's running, spouting Jesus, and I am on his ass at a hard bound, my fangs bared, his naked back exposed as I lunge and sink my fangs deep, and rip at his unprotected flesh!
God! It tastes so good!
Hear me, O SRN! Hearken to my voice, ye Devers and ye Purdoms! You think Ed has dogs? You haven't met me yet. You don't want to meet me, not on the darkest night, not on the brightest noon. For where I am ye do not want to be. You want to argue the bible? I am an expert. You want to tell me they never taught that? I was there for 40 years. In a battle of wits, you are unarmed, naked, and defenseless.
Go away, SRN. Get out of the killing fields. You are nothing but a deer in my headlights. Go find someplace to pray. Read your bible. Do whatever it is that anesthetizes you so that you can face another day without looking at reality. Go try to figure out why it is 2000 and HWA is dead and there has been no tribulation yet (it is 28 years overdue as of last week). Go try to figure out how it is that the Worldwide Church of God has shattered into a multitude of spinoffs, each professing to "preach the Gospel", when HWA said several years before he died that he had already completed the commission.
Run away, SRN. Run away and hide. That's what you're best at.
Because I'm barking.
And I'll bite you if you get too close. I'll rip the meat off your bones.
So run away.
You don't want a piece of me.
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