This, Just In:
Breaking News Of The Work of Gawwwwduh!!!!Satire As Reported by:
Rev. Russell
Portland, OR - prism@pacifier.com12/13/98
Santa Monica, Ca
Roderick Meredith, the former leader of the Living Church of God, a cult based here in Santa Monica, has decided to leave his organization in favor of starting his own church, called "I Am the True Church of God". This would ordinarily not be newsworthy, except he has incorporated the church with himself as the only member. No one else is allowed in, as they are not "spiritually mature" enough.
"I decided to start my own church where I was the only member after I realized that everyone is out to get me, and therefore is being controlled by Satan. I can't trust anyone", Mr. Meredith said while looking back frantically and wringing his hands. "I felt that I had been called to continue the 'Philadelphia Era" of the church of God, even if I was to be the only member."
Mr. Meredith has already launched a vigorous television campaign, called "I have the truth and you don't so HA!", to be aired at prime-time on all the major networks. When asked how he manages to fund this when he is the only member, he replied "I'm paying tithes to myself. Since I pay myself 30 percent of my income recursively, I have unlimited funds at my disposal."
When a leading financial analyst at PriceWaterhouse was asked about this, he simply shook his head in amazement. "This completely abandons all of the laws of finance, mathematics, and a few physical laws as well", the analyst stated. "I don't understand how he can pull this off and not get arrested at the very least, and at the very most, vanish from the universe as a paradox."
The California Attorney General's office would not return our repeated calls, but in a written statement, said "we have learned a long time ago not to mess with those crackpots. Let someone else deal with it. We're tired of it."
Ed , a vocal opposer of Roderick Meredith and all of the other "Churches of God" splintered from the Worldwide Church of God, headed by the very late Herbert Armstrong, and the maintainer of the web site "The Painful Truth" on the Internet, told us "This is just another example of the arrogance and complete lack of a grasp on reality, that he would start his own church with him as the only member. Isn't it just typical?"
Roger Blakesley, a vocal critic of Meredith, could not be reached for comment. His wife answered the phone and said something about "he's practicing Godly self-love... I mean... He's not available." Mary S., resident curmudgeon on the popular internet mailing list "Ekklesia", stated, cryptically, "What a frog. Ooops. I blew my cover, didn't I? Damn."
The new church is based at Meredith's house. No one knows where that is, although we suspect he will soon be moving to Petra, because of his cryptic comment "Hey, since I'm the True Church, I can go when I feel like it!"
Page Two
Dr. Baron von Nein Leiderhosen, of the University of North Dakota at Hoople physics department, has successfully proven that chaos theory, religion, and logic are inexplicably related.
"I feerst dezided to test ze premize that religion und logic are mathematical oppozites," he stated with the characteristic German accent. "After provink that religion und logic are eencompatible, it was simple to prove also that religion und chaos are intimately related."
Dr. Nein Leiderhosen noted that most religions seem to be a concerted effort to avoid any semblance of logic in their beliefs. By taking this simple fact and expressing it mathematically, he came up with what he calls the "statement of beliefs", stating that the amount of logic in a religion is inversely proportional to the amount of dogma.
Dr. Nein Leiderhosen was immediately debunked by most of the main religions figures, including the pope, Billy Graham, Jessie Jackson, Oral Roberts, Jim and Tammy "Mascara" Fae Bakker, Robert Schuller, Hank Hannegraaff, and many more too numerous to mention. A pundit stated wryly, "This is the first time we've ever got them to agree on ANYTHING."
DRW (Name withheld to protect the ignorant. Most of you know who that is. If you don't, email me privately. Ed), who again stormed into our offices with a machine gun, stated "We are not illogical. We have the TRUTH. No one else has the TRUTH. The end of the world will come TOMORROW! WAKE UP!!!!". We are, again, obligated to note that this was three days ago. Inadvertently, Crackpot DRW has proven Dr. Von Liederhosen's theory.
The Church of the Blind Chihuahua, however, just sat there and barked.
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