Worldwide Church of God: Militant Smokin' Homo Yogurt

It was the end of a long, hot, dirty day at the sawmill outside of Starkville, Mississippi. Summer has come quickly this year, so it was a relief to finally settle down after a hard day, drink a cold beer, and fire up a cigarette. And watch Hannity and Colmes. And listen to homosexuals and think about smoking and civil rights.

You know these guys, right? A pair of broadcasters on the Fox News Channel, both of whom have excellent bonafides and experience. One politically Left, one Right. Hannity is the Right one. (Pun pretty much intended). You might even have the odd idea that Sean Hannity is maybe just a little bit of a Limbaugh Boy, but... Nah!

So I relaxed and let the sawdust and sweat dry and gazed through my red smoke-filled eyes..... and nearly dropped ashes all over Holiday Inn's couch when I heard Hannity fire his religious and moral value system at the gay militant guest.

Here's the deal... the show has a debate format, right? Where they have guests come on, and then everyone gets to share in the enlightening experience of yelling and straining their necks out to see who can be the loudest? Ha!

This evening's guests included a fella from some militant gay group... Don't recall which.... Is there more than one? There is?

And this guest was very upset with President Bush about NOT pushing for a "Gay Pride Month" proclamation, like Bush has done for women, or Irish folks or whomever else. This guy felt the gay community was being unfairly treated.

The interview and neck-stretching went pretty well, but then Hannity just couldn't control himself... He couldn't reign in that Christian-I-Am-Superior-To-Thou attitude and he spewed all over the guest something very close to the following: (Not an actual quote, but close).

"I was brought up Catholic. I have morals and values that don't agree with you or the people you represent! How DARE you try and push your values and morals on me!!!???"

Last time I recall going to my son's school, I could swear that just as you enter the hallowed guv'mint building there is a nice brass Ten Commandments plaque grinning at me right about eye level.

Last time I went to a football game, no one seemed to care much about forcing me to sit through a minute long plea from the local Man of Gawd who was asking the Lord Our Savior to he'p us kick, pass, and punt with accuracy and to give us courage and beat them other heathen rascals from down at Murpheesboro.

And some of these folks complain about "Our Lord" being "Taken out of our schools". Right.

Hannity showed exactly what is really going on in this world full of strange things. It is quite all right for him and his Christian Brothers in the Hood to shove THEIR morals and ethics down MY throat. But... don'tcha DARE try and have your own.

I'm saying that yogurt is strange, alien stuff... It comes about from some top secret manufacturing process and finds its way to aisle 4 at Kroger: this.... unexplainable...thing. It comes in various flavors I suppose, but hey....Yogurt is yogurt. Scary alien stuff.

Through some unexplained process, some folks appear to have a sexual taste for folks just like them. These folks don't show up at aisle 4 except to grab the yogurt and go, however. They seem usually ok folks, but I have to admit that I don't want to taste neither them nor yogurt.

There's always been yogurt. There have always been homosexuals. There's always been Christians trying to push their agenda and moral systems down the throat of the minority Heathen Crowd; except way back when - when Christians were the minority and the lions ate them like yogurt. But they forget this. THOSE folks could have used some tolerance back then, eh?

No smoking is allowed anywhere inside public school grounds here in Arkansas, and this includes football games. Nowhere no way no how. I'm one of the awful Smoking-Minority, which is often seen outside the buildings in the pouring rain, wretchedly puffing a butt and freezing their butts off.

And, I have no real problem with homosexuals. Have one or two as very close and dear friends.... (And don't none of you gay folks write me up and send me grief. I'll treat you like aisle 4 at Kroger and completely ignore ya.)

They were NOT militant, however. This Militant Gay In Your Face bunch is as scary as Glow-In-The-Dark-Banana Yogurt! Militant-In-Your-Face-Purple-Yogurt!!

Do I really want to be reminded of your "gayness" every time I hear you speak?

Hey, Hannity: I agree with you 90-something per cent of the time. But do YOU have the right to proclaim YOUR values as superior to anyone else's and be outraged when someone else has a few of their own?

Do I have the right to blow smoke in my neighbor's face if he doesn't like it?

If I'm served up a dessert of living, jiggling yogurt....do I have to eat it?

If you're a Christian, do you have the right to force those around you to listen to your drivel about the dead guy who is nailed up to a Roman cross like a pasty piece of sheet-rock?

Smokers? Gays? Christians? Blacks? Whites? Yogurt manufacturers? Get over it.

Most Christians are as bad as the militant gay bunch they hate so much. They both show no tolerance for anything outside their own narrow-minded dogma.

I really wish that I could take this certain word....this small and simple word....and package it up in a box. TOLERANCE. I would maybe have a deluxe package with the added ingredients of Love, Compassion, Empathy and just a dash of Humility gathered from the Chief Petty Officer's Mess aboard the USS Abe Lincoln.

If I could... I'd roll all these concepts into a new product and market them on aisle 4 at Kroger, and I'd make it free for all people who had a Free Thought in their brain or at least decency in their heart; whether they be Gay, White, Black, Smoker, Christian or yogurt lover. Maybe I'd call it...

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