Worldwide Church of God: Prayer, Effective, Fervant

The Painful Truth About The Worldwide Church of God

The Effective, Fervent Prayer
of a Righteous Man
Doesn't Do Shit
By Bill Fairchild

I was flipping through the pages of a couple of local newspapers today, looking for classified ads from people who would deliver cut firewood. I happened upon the following three items in the classified ads section of my local papers in south central Massachusetts and I wanted to share these with all online readers of the Painful Truth website.

A Prayer to the Blessed Virgin, never known to fail. 'Oh most beautiful flower of Mt. Carmel, fruitful vine, splendor of heaven, blessed mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in this necessity. Oh Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein that you are my mother. Oh Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth. I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart, succor me and this necessity (make request). There are none that can withstand your power. Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee (three times).' This prayer must be said for three days and then you must publish it and it will be granted to you."

In this case you have to say this whole prayer three times a day for three days, which makes a total of nine times. The word "novena" comes from the Latin root "novem" meaning "the number nine". Apparently the number nine is even more powerful than the magic numbers seven, three, two, four, twelve, thirteen, nineteen, forty, and 144000. I would suggest that someone out there in cyberland hold this classified ad's feet to the fire, pray this prayer three times a day for three days and always ask for something really good (like, maybe would all the anthrax in the world please disappear?), and then publish the prayer. SHAZAAM!!! Poof! There goes all the anthrax up in smoke. No more anthrax anywhere on earth. IT WILL BE GRANTED TO YOU.!!! It has to happen. Religious people wouldn't publish a lie in a public newspaper, would they? Please note that this prayer is directed to a dead woman.

"St. Jude Novena. 'May the Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, loved, praised and glorified throughout the world now and forever. Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us. St. Jude Worker of Miracles, pray for us. St. Jude helper of the helpless, pray for us.' Say this prayer nine times a day, by the eighth day you [sic] prayer will be answered. It has never been known to fail. Publication must be promised. Thank you St. Jude for granting my petition. Please continue you [sic] help. CC 11-14"

Some true believer whose initials were "CC" apparently used this prayer successfully and then felt compelled to publish the prayer to let us all know that his prayer was answered. Please note that this prayer is directed first to Jesus's heart (whatever that is) and then to someone named Jude, who also died hundreds or thousands of years ago. But it has NEVER BEEN KNOWN TO FAIL!!

This must be the most powerful type of prayer there is. Just imagine the terrible quandary God would be in if two different people were both praying a NOVENA at the same time and asking for directly opposite petitions. Both would be relying on the fact that their novena had never been known to fail. How can God possibly handle this? What if one person were to use a fail-proof novena to ask the great Queen of Heaven to make God disappear? God would have to grant that wish, too, in order that the tradition of the power of the novena would be continued. Here it is: "Pray 9 Hail Marys for 9 days. Ask for 3 wishes, one involving business and two impossibilities. On the 9th day, publish this prayer and your wishes will be answered even though you may not believe. HG. 14"

This time the true believer's initials were H.G., I guess. He had his impossible wishes answered. I think I want to check this one out, because I am definitely a non-believer. And if I follow this little prayer program my wishes must be answered.

Here is what I want to pray for. The business wish will be that all American corporations will become responsible for the social impact of their bottomless greed and rapacity, as evidenced by their tendency to shift jobs overseas where they can pay workers far less, shift production overseas to where there are almost no environmental laws to worry about, and shift sales overseas to where there are almost no product safety laws to worry about. My first impossible wish is for world peace. And my second impossible wish is that President Bush, the Pope, and Vladimir Putin will all turn into frogs and then be turned inside out.

IT HAS TO HAPPEN!!! H.G. guarantees it. The power of the novena is not to be trifled with! The novena is more powerful than God. Whatever you ask for, God MUST grant it if you use the novena formula.

No wonder we are now observing a moment of silence in public places instead of having a prayer read or asked. When we keep silent for a moment, we are praying to nothing. And nothing is just as good as these stupid novenas.

And no wonder people tie yellow ribbons to trees and doorposts or light candles. Tying a yellow ribbon or lighting a candle is just as effective as a novena. None of these little feel-good gimmicks does a damned thing for anybody.

But wait! What if I were to tie a yellow ribbon to a candle, then light the candle, and then say a novena in front of the candle? Hmmmmm.... It might work. You never know.

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